Posts Tagged ‘humorous ramblings’
Camber Is Freakin Hilarious
Camber has been having ongoing conversations with her friends about church. Today she came home with this gem.
Camber: Do you think I’d understand your preacher if I went to your church?
Camber’s Friend: Maybe. I don’t know. Wait, what’s the “Preacher?”
Camber: The guy that stands up and teaches you the Bible.
Camber’s Friend: Oh. We call him “Father.”
Camber: I call our preacher Father too…because he is my father.
That’s funny. We just exploded in laughter when Camber told us this.
Doing The Math
I hardly ever go to a Christian bookstore. In fact, the last time I went in one was….yesterday. But before that —- can’t remember.
We had a local Christian bookstore in Parker with a coffee shop and stage for live music. It was a great theory, great location, great vibe in the store. There were only a couple of problems.
The books were expensive. I could get the same books for 30% off Amazon or CBD.
It took forever to special order books. Especially when I could get it in two days from Amazon and CBD.
The coffee was the same price as Starbucks and was terrible.
The music was twice as expensive as buying it from iTunes.
So I had a half hour to kill in Topeka, I poked my head into our local Christian bookstore. I ended up picking up a Boice’s commentary on Ephesians. (His 3 volume work on Genesis is a must for any teacher.) I drifted over into the music/dvd section…I noticed that once again, a full priced CD was almost 50% more expensive that buying it on iTunes. The irony was I could buy a CD from my iPhone right there in the store cheaper off of their Wi-fi than walking 10 feet to the register.
I’m not sure how they stay in business. And while I’d love to have a Christian bookstore flourish, I’m not sure that’s going to happen while charging customers up to 50% more for stuff they can get online. They did have this huge gift section with paintings of lighthouses, crosses, and eagles. I’ve yet to see a Christian bookstore without these items.
Sump Pumps
I have very limited experience with sump pumps. My first year at Pinecrest the snow melt was so significant that it flooded our dirt parking lot into Lake Pinecrest. Ray (senior pastor) and I got shovels and a couple of pumps to try help the situation. I wore waders…he just got wet. It helped a little but I remember canceling youth a couple of nights because we couldn’t even get in the parking lot.
So with that as my total experience with sump pumps I tackled our new (to us) home’s sump pump which wasn’t sucking. But since that is what sump pumps are supposed to do (suck) when they don’t do that, it sucks.
Big Tom was a huge help. We bailed water together. Once I realized that nothing was blocking the pump, I remembered that I had a home warranty. My last experience with a home warranty company was an utter disaster. But everybody and their dog says to buy one. I didn’t want to but my real estate agent got it thrown in as a bonus.
I called AHS at 5.30. At 6.00 pm, Ace plumbing called. At 6.25, Bob showed up. At 6.40, a new pump was installed. 7.00 pm all was well.
What do I know now about sump pumps that I didn’t know before? Not much, really.
Tool Glossary
I got this from Rowland…and I’d link him but he hasn’t blogged this year…or last…or probably the year before that. I think he and Wayne are in a contest to see who can go the longest between updates.
Tool Glossary
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to cuss.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
X*(%$#%@%&%*&)(-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘X*(%$#%@%&%*&)(-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
9 Minutes
That’s how much time I have until my next meeting. Questions that I’m wondering about…
What can get done in 9 minutes?
Where exactly they hide the sun in this city?
I miss Burn Notice and Chuck…and my DVR.
Why is it I love most of Dave Matthews stuff but every so often I hear something from them that I hate?
Will the Broncos really be that much better next year? I’m guessing not.
Does anyone really care that Kansas City still doesn’t have a head coach?
Why isn’t Kansas ranked in the top 25?
Do they really need my phone number and address when I check out at a Christian bookstore? Why?
What’s the point of tableclothes on a kitchen dining table?
What Facebook Needs
I’ve posted on this before but really didn’t fully explore the concept. Has to do with who is a friend and who isn’t. It came up because I was asked if I would have coffee with half the friends on my Facebook.
To which I replied – there isn’t one of those people that I would leave stranded on the side of the road in the snow with two flat tires.
I realize there may be a better barometer to determine who to accept as a friend or not. And truthfully, there aren’t that many people I WOULD leave stranded.
But the coffee question actually works pretty well, don’t you think?
Other things to consider:
Who’s buying?
Who gets to set the agenda?Â
Overall mood of person?
Are they are close talker? Loud talkers?
Would You Like This All On This Card?
I bought Burn Notice, season 1 on DVD today at Target. I love this show. Funny. Spies. Miami. Cool. Perfect balance of James Bond on vacation. (I also picked up Chuck, Season 1. We don’t have our Direct TV right now.)
But what threw me off was the checking out process.
I swipe my card, enter my pin, click on the “No I don’t want $400 cash back option” (why is this even an option????) thinking I’m done. Long, uncomfortable pause.
“Sir, do you want to place this entire order this card?”
I’m sorry, I could have sworn you just asked me if I wanted to split this purchase between two cards.
“Yes sir..” She pointed to the card screen.
Sure enough – there it was in whatever colors are on those card readers – “Would you like to use this card for the entire purchase?”
What kind of stupid question is that?
The clerk tells me that Target started doing this during Christmas. She says to me that I wouldn’t believe how many people would split their purchases between two, three or four credit cards.
Good night, our country is in deep weeds.
The Greatest Facebook Status Comment
My good friend David Baumgartner‘s status: David is getting ready to head to Cub Scouts.
Grant’s response: I never made it past there either but I quit when I reached high school.
Answering Wayne
As always, Wayne asks great questions.
What has 4 years of blogging done for me? Is it worthwhile?
Yes – it’s worthwhile. Whenever I get to a place where this becomes work, I take a week or two off. I own the blog, the blog doesn’t own me.
It’s made me a better communicator. Both as a writer and speaker.
I’ve met a ton of new friends.
I’ve been able to spread the joy of uniforms.
Has it achieved the ends you thought it would?
Tougher question. I don’t know if I had any solid goals for starting the blog. At one point I thought it would be great place for some real authentic, raw community – but that can’t completely happen online. There are some things that get lost without non-verbal communication. So I try to be as vulnerable and real as I can but there are limits.
On the other hand, there are some posts/thoughts that seemed to take a life of their own. I had no idea how much of an impact they would have and how helpful they would be.
The Man’s Classification of Cars and NFL Uniform Rankings being two examples of this. Chuck Norris and The Best 3-Piece Band are another two. You just never know what is going to scratch an itch out there.
Cayden McKayla, Stand-Up Comic
Cayden, precious Cayden.
As the youngest child of three, she has her moments of complete drama and babyness. But yesterday, she had the whole family in stitches.
Cayden on Music:
“He’s a Juice Box Hero…with stars in his eyes.” These are the words Cayden puts to Juke Box Hero by Foreigner. She sings it as loud as she can, with her eyes closed and head rocked back.
She also sings “Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi this way with the added feature of using a hairbrush or lipgloss as a microphone. The best thing to do is this – as the song is going to it’s loudest part, shut off the music. She will keep singing. She just doesn’t care.
Cayden on spelling:
“Dad…Dad…Dad!!! I can spell MOM with my eyes closed!!!! M….O …. M.”
What about CAT? C….A…T.
Is it harder to spell with your eyes closed?
Hands on hips…”YES!!!!!”
We spend the next few minutes throwing words at her seeing if she can spell them with her eyes closed.
Cayden on how AWESOME God is:
Cayden loves God, loves Jesus. She makes up songs to, about, and for Him. Below are some of my favorite lines she has composed.
“If it wasn’t for God….we wouldn’t have computerrrrrrrrrrrssss. And we wouldn’t be able to play Webkinzzzzzzzzzz.”
“I love Jesus and He want’s us all to be His children but not all people want to be His children but that’s okay because Jesus loves them anyway even though they aren’t going to Heaven.”
Cayden on Prayer:
I pray over the kids almost every night. 5 nights out of 7, I remember and do it. The other 2 nights, Cayden reminds me – “Would you please pray over me. I like it when you do that.”
When I get done praying – every single night of the past two weeks – Cayden has said when I finished – “Pray for China. You keep forgetting to pray for China.”
So I pray for China. The first night I did this, I used the term “Underground Church.” Praying for her leaders and participants, for safety, leadership, favor with the government.
Cayden: Underground Church?? They go to church under the ground?
G: No, it’s a term they use to describe their church. They meet in homes, businesses, secret places because the government of China doesn’t like them.
Cayden: How do they get underground?
G: They don’t meet underground….well, some of them might meet in caves but…that’s not important right now. It’s not legal for them to go to church so they have to hide it or they get arrested, beaten, sometimes even killed.
So now when we finish praying…I purposely don’t mention China because this is what I get to hear…
C: “And God, we pray for China and the Underground Church even though they don’t really go to church under the ground.”
Good times….
The 20 Year Reunion, Part 1
I drug Amy to my 20 year high school reunion mixer last night. We met at Jackson’s Bar right across from Coors Field. Tonight we’ll eat dinner at the Aquarium.
Confession 1: I was nervous and a bit anxious about going. In fact, a couple of times I thought about looking at Amy and saying – ‘Hey, let’s go rob a bank instead.”
But we had already paid for the weekend. So we were going.
Confession 2: I graduated with over 550 people in my class. 20 years ago. I hadn’t seen any of them since. Would any of us recognize each other?
Reality 1: There will be people at any reunion that either have super-photographic memories OR they’ve spent the last 3 weeks scouring over the yearbook. I am not one of those people. I had a few people holler my name, hug my neck and I had no idea who they were.
That of course led to the awkward moment of when I had to say – “You know…I gotta tell you, I’m not sure if I know who you are.”
Reality 2: Some of us never grow up – it’s a good thing. Lots of laughs, lots of ‘remember the time’ stories. I think the greatest compliment I got was – “You look exactly the way you did in high school.” The second greatest compliment was upon hearing that I was now a youth pastor. “Oh my gosh!!! That is so YOUUUU.”
Reality 3: Some of us never grow up – it’s a bad thing. There was one guy at the reunion that was really having a good time. Still being barely able to talk coherently after more than a few brews. He’s still funny. He still makes you laugh but in the back of my mind I wonder – is this the highlight for him? There’s got to be more there, right?
Reality 4: You’ll connect with someone at a reunion that you never connected with at high school. And it will be awesome. Met a guy that lives in Parker, loves Jesus now and in high school we might have said two words to each other. It was great. Another gal – actually his sister-in-law – that both of our families hit it off.
Reality 5: There are some friends that you can pick up right where you left off. Mike Greenwood, Paul Velakaneye, and I hung out all time. Mike and Paul roomed together at college while I left the state entirely. (I think Paul never forgave me for that.) Talking with Mike was awesome, still easy-going yet speak what’s on my mind kind of guy.
I’m very glad I went. I’m looking forward to tonight.
Greatest Verbal Exchange of the Evening:
“Grant, didn’t you move into Rangeview in the middle of your junior year?”
“Yeah…but sitting the bench on the basketball team, I actually made a lot of friends.”
“Did you play on the state championship team your senior year?”
“No. I got cut. Then half the team got ineligible. But that time I was doing the ‘thespian’ thing.”
[Long Pause]
“That must have been very rewarding for you.”
I don’t think we stopped laughing for five minutes.