humorous ramblings
Darth Vader and Christmas Flash Mob
My two favorite things – Star Wars and Christmas…
Alabama is ready for a rematch with LSU
My buddy Wayne ‘the Italian Stallion’ Galli sent me this. It’s to funny to not send it along.
Only With Danny Payne, Moment #24
I’m here in KC for the KNCSB Convention and got a chance to grab some face time with Danny Payne. We’ve been friends forever and so dinner felt ridiculous fast.
As we were leaving, I approached a member of the wait staff for a mint.
“Ma’am, I was wonder—”
The look on the person’s face made me think that I’d made an error – that I had mistakenly called a him a her.
“I mean — sirrrrrr.”
But that wasn’t right either. He didn’t really look like a he but nor did she look like a him.
I turned for some backup from Danny. He was gone. Mentally and physically. I vaguely remember him walking out the door and falling into the landscape, laughing hysterically….like a girl, now that I think about it.
I turn back to my dilemma.
“Uhhh….I need…a mint… A mint. Do you have a mint?”
“We don’t have any mints.”
Hearing the voice should have given me a hint as to the gender…but it didn’t. I was toast.
“Alllllrighty then.”
And I walked outside to a Danny Payne who was crying to hard to utter a complete sentence.
What are supposed to do? All I wanted was a mint. I didn’t want to ruin this person’s life and cause gender-identification issues. I’d blame Danny but I tend to run into these situations on my own.
I remember my sister-in-law asking they lady who was bagging her groceries one day when she was due. The woman replied – “I’m not pregnant.”
Now, if a man was to do this…it’s game over. There is no comeback. There is nothing that could be said to remotely redeem the situation. Nothing. With my sister-in-law – she says – “Oh, I’m pregnant and I just think everyone else is as well.” And all was right in the world.
It was totally genius.
There is no genius for what I did.
“Oh man…I’m sorry. I remember my voice not changing for 13 years, as well.”
“I loved you in the Matrix.”
What do you say?
Danny proved to be no help whatsoever. An utterly worthless wingman.
I Do To Know Somebody Famous…
Every now and then, I find myself doing something utterly ridiculous. Yesterday during staff meeting that happened. Somehow the comment/discussion came around to ‘namedroppers’ and I felt very, very, insecure because I don’t know anybody famous. I mean – they don’t know me. I don’t have anyone’s cell phone number on my speed dial.
Little bit later in the meeting, we were looking over spiritual gift surveys and which ones we thought were most helpful to us, clearest, least amount of church language. We were looking online, looking at books when I remembered the one my good friend and mentor Gene Wilkes used in his book Jesus on Leadership. I rushed down to get the example, turns out you can download it for free from the Lifeway website.
Then I remembered — Gene is FAMOUS!! He’s an author!! I do know someone famous and so I called him right there in the middle of the staff meeting on speaker phone…just knowing that Gene would answer and say “Grant!! How are you? Why aren’t you watching the Rangers right now?” Or he’d say something in Greek and I’d be forced to go look it up.
Instead, I got his voicemail. Which is cool…I get it…but that pretty much solidified my “I don’t know anybody famous” status.
PS – Gene called me back later and did ask me why I wasn’t watching the Rangers. Which at that point I was. We were screaming and didn’t hear the phone ring. Go Rangers.
Another Drew Litton Mention…
I’m on a roll. I’ve told you about Drew Litton before, right? Well, 3 weeks in a row in his caption contest I’ve managed 2 honorable mentions and 1 win. That the one win came at the expense of the Raiders is particularly sweet. I may have found my second calling. Or not. Either way, it’s fun. Here was this week’s post and caption winner.
Awesome entries this week! We had over 100
Paul Buchheit came in first with this one:
“If I had a dollar for every time I heard that…oh yeah, I guess I do.”
Jasper H. was a close second with:
“I should have taken my talents to South Beach!”
And we had these other great captions:
Louis
“(*sung to the song “The Hokey Pokey”) You put Tim Tebow in, Kyle Orton out, you put Tim Tebow in and you shake them all about…..”
John was first with this one:
“Who put this in my front yard?”
Derek entered this one a few days later
“Did they have to put it on my front lawn?”
Mark Knot (from a cubicle in the basement)
“Now I know how Jake Plummer felt”
DR Larkin
“Isn’t a Wheaties box enough?”
Dennis
“Week one and I’ve already been voted off the island.”
Chris
“And I thought Chicago was bad.”
Grant
“I really think the Friar look was his best one.”
Brandon Schmitt
“I guess ‘THE DRIVE’ now means seeing this on the way to the stadium.”
I’m A Winner!!
Last week I told you about Drew Litton. He was (and still is) my favorite cartoonist. I actually won the Caption of The Week Contest. Which means I got my name on the cartoon drawing!!
I might need to get this all big and in color.
Update on Cammy’s Party Mix CD and Kids Camp
I talked here about the importance of a good CD of music before any child or student heads off to camp. At least according to Camber. And I noted the one single flaw in Camber’s plan – what if the car she was traveling in didn’t have a CD player. I did NOT tell Camber about this flaw. Amy filled me in on the rest of the story last night.
As Camber climbed into one of the sponsor’s car, she asked her – “Do you have a CD player?” I am very proud of this as I did NOT tell her about the single flaw but alas she figured it out for herself. Like I said — I am very proud.
“We have a CD changer…and I don’t know how to work it.”
Cammy: “I can figure it out.”
We haven’t heard if she destroyed the CD changer in the car or not but I’m guessing it is all well. And praying for her and the rest of the crew for a great encounter with God this week.
My kids and my sermons don’t always turn out like I plan
And that is a good thing.
Yesterday at lunch the topic was my sermon. This is not normal for us. I want to talk about anything other than my sermon but today was different because Cayden got so tickled yesterday in the middle of my message, she thought she was going to have to leave.
Actual excerpt of conversation:
Cayden: “Daddy – you are really funny. I mean – how do you think of that stuff right off the top of your head?”
Amy: “He doesn’t. He studies and preps all week.”
Cayden: “Really?”
Grant: “Well…yes. But I can be funny right off the top of my head too.”
Camber: “True, but they are usually insults…followed by beatings.”
Grant & Amy: “??????”
Cooper, Cayden, and Camber now all bust out into laughter. Turns out they are quoting something they heard on iCarly. Camber has been waiting forever for the perfect place to use that quote and she found it.
This starts a nonstop tirade of iCarly quotes which leads to an insightful critique of last nights iCarly/Victorious combined episode. Of which, Cooper thought it could have been better and considered it mostly a waste of time. Cayden thought it was awesomest show ever. Camber thought it was a complete waste of time. She hated the commercials and she had some other issues with the show which I really can’t recall at the moment.
Camber and I talk about how to burn a playlist on a CD in iTunes for the drive to kids camp this week. This is really important to her because she doesn’t want to get stuck in a car with bad music. That would be a horrible way to start kids camp. Having some dorky song stuck in your head as you leave for a whole week of kids camp. Need to get a cool Christian rocking song stuck in your head for kids camp and the only way to make sure that happens is to make the CD yourself and play it on the way to camp.
I like her logic. It makes complete sense. There is only one problem with this plan…and I do NOT tell her this. What if she gets in a car that doesn’t have a CD player? I’m guessing this thought never crosses her mind because she’s never known a car without a CD player which is ridiculous if you think about it. I remember cars only having AM radio. I think she would die if she knew this.
I’m 6lbs Lighter
I got in a text battle with a dear friend of mine yesterday. The Stallion, Wayne Galli – who is literally half the man I am I’m serious, he’s half of me in height and weight. The Stallion was giving me grief about calling Orange Leaf ice cream when it really isn’t ice cream. It’s yogurt or fro yo as the say in the “business.”
I will quote from the text:
WG: Orange leaf is not ice cream.
GE: Don’t be bitter.
WG: No bitterness, just pity.
GE: I’m 6 lbs lighter because of orange leaf….sort of.
WG: LOL
Wayne said something else to me which I’m not comfortable putting on the blog. I didn’t say it was dirty, just that I’m not comfortable talking about it. Which is really just a code way of throwing him under the bus.
But both of us lied to each other.
First, I doubt seriously he laughed out loud at my orange leaf comment. Maybe chuckled or thought amusing, but laugh out loud? Really? Do I really think he laughed out loud?
And I really haven’t lost weight because of Orange Leaf. I’ve lost weight because Amy has started dragging me up and down hills 3 times a week, 3 miles at a time. We are in our 2nd or 3rd week doing this. I’m not really sure. Time flies when you are having fun… or being tortured.
So while I am still twice the man of Wayne Galli, I am hoping to be less than that as the summer continues. I’m shooting for 1 and a third of a man.
Getting Ready For the Rapture
Saw this on YouTube today —-
ESPN’s Roll Tide Commercial
It’s not a commercial, it’s a documentary. This happened to me in the Atlantis Hotel in Nassau, Bahamas. I’m walking down the hallway and one of the workers there said in his accent “Roll Tide!” I yelled, “Roll Tide” back.
A Man’s Guide For Christmas
Let’s face it, men. The holiday season is tough. We’re supposed to be happier about spending more money on stuff we don’t need for people we are not sure we even like. The Christmas lights are always tangled. It’s always -34 degrees when you finally decide to put the lights up. Add to that the Christmas parties, concerts, recitals, and all the Christmas cards you get in the mail from people your wife says you know but you honestly have never seen them.
I know how you feel. I’m here to help. I’m even going to make this easy for you. So pay attention.
Presents
Let’s start with presents. Gifts. Loot. We don’t buy for just anybody. However, if you find yourself in a position to HAVING to get a gift for someone other than family – here are a couple of suggestions that you can’t go wrong with.
1. Gift Cards – Amazon.com, iTunes, Starbucks.
2. iPad – this is not for you to buy one for your friends but mainly for your rich friends so that they will buy one for you.
For the wife:
No appliances of any kind. Do not under any circumstance buy her anything from Victoria or her secret. Jewelry is safe (but expensive). A night out without kids is relatively inexpensive and shows much forethought and care.
Depending on how long you’ve been married, you can try to do the whole — “I bought this for you but really for me” kind of gift. Stuff like a BluRay player, flatscreen TV, iPad or pretty much anything electronic but they see through this pretty quick. Fortunately for us, they love us anyway. You can get away with this a couple of times so choose wisely when to do this. It can’t be your go-to gift every year.
Kids:
Girl — anything pink and/or a doll/figurine of some sort. This seems to work for every age except the ages of 16-21. Researchers are still baffled as to what works during these ages.
Boys — sports, electronics, jerseys, tickets to sporting events…basically, if you like it, he will. Regardless of age.
Christmas Parties
It’s a fact of life…you are going to have to attend a couple this year. So make the most of it.
First,know exactly where the host puts your coat. Do NOT miss this information. Nothing will drag out your escape longer than having to track down your coat. Do NOT do anything else at the party until you lock down where your coat will be stashed.
Second, head for the food. All the good snacks get sucked up first and you don’t want to miss out on them. Plus there will be other guys that don’t really want to be there and you might find a new friend.
Third, wear a team sweater or golf shirt so that you’ll have something to talk about other than work. And don’t be that guy that shows up to a party and then talks about work for 45 minutes. If you find that guy, find a bathroom. It’s about the only place he won’t follow you into. Then come out and scream in a Jim Carrey voice – “Do NOT go in there.” That will pretty much end the party night for you.
Family Time
We all want more of it until we get it then we wish we had less of it. Couple of activities that will make this not only bearable but enjoyable.
Light Hunting. With a little internet search and investigation, you can find the cool houses with lights and music in your area. Put the kids in PJ’s and a thermos of hot chocolate and go light looking. This is good for about an hour.
Movies
We have two movies we always watch – Elf and White Christmas. Kids can barely make it through White Christmas but we make them. Elf is awesome. Awkward/Embarrassing Christmas Moment: A couple of years ago I grabbed all the kids and watched A Christmas Story as a family. 1. The TV version is edited, the DVD is not. 2. After the shock of a few words that I had forgotten, came to the painful realization that kids don’t like voiceover movies. A Christmas Story is not an English family tradition.
We also do a Christmas “real” movie together. With a family of 5, we don’t go to the theater often. Scratch that – we make it once, maybe twice a year. Much cheaper for us to wait till BluRay or DVD and watch it at home. But this has become a cool tradition for us – take an afternoon matinee movie the whole family can enjoy.
This year it looks like we will divide and conquer – Tron Legacy for everyone except Cayden. Cayden will have a special Nana and Cayden date with Tangled. It works out for us all.
Christmas Eve Service
We will be having ours at 6pm at Western Hills. It will be awesome, funny, kid-friendly. Not all services are this way. Some are very serious. However, fun or serious — you have to do this. Even a bad Christmas Eve service is better than no Christmas Eve service.
Awkward/Embarrassing Christmas Moment: Cooper dumped a whole tray of communion juice at a certain Christmas Eve Service. He was 4 or 5. It was awful in the moment but awesome now looking back at it. There isn’t enough money in the world to buy that kind of memory. So find a service, show up and really enjoy it.
Family Meals
They take forever to set up and prepare then 20 minutes to be done with. This is the best advice I can give you on this one — just enjoy the process and make sure somebody brought a pie. Enjoy a glass of wine or sparkling grape soda as you prep. We make the kids clean up while we enjoy conversation and dessert.
I hope this guide helps you over the next week. I welcome any comments, corrections, and additions below.
This is the Pumpkin I’m Carving This Year
And this is further proof Rick Stones is the coolest worship leader ever…
Raising Girls Is A Wee Bit Different
I’m thankful I was made aware of this fact early in my life, long before I had kids. My good friend and fishing buddy Bill Watkins had two daughters. If ever there was an unlikely candidate of being a daddy to daughters, Bill was it. He was a former general contractor turned football coach. And he was a good coach at that, managing to get 5 stars of talent out of 2 and 3 star kids. He was tough but fair, demanding yet respectful. He loved the Lord, his girls (wife & two daughters), football, and fishing. And most of the time in that order.
I was one of the luckiest guys on the earth in that he spent the few days off he had taking me fishing with him. We’d take his boat to Lake Ray Roberts with the hopes of getting into some largemouth. Sometimes we even caught fish. Other times we fixed the boat, dodged thunderstorms, bailed water, or outran tornadoes. It was always an adventure.
And we always talked. About anything. He was a rare friend that you could be completely silent with or talk all day long. Didn’t have to pretend or filter anything. We talked fishing and football and faith, he’d bring up kids and parenting every now and then. Since Amy and I had no kids at the time, I knew a lot more about parenting than I do now. In fact, I wish I was as good of a parent now as I was then — with no real world experiences or real kids getting in the way. But Bill was always vulnerable about raising girls and how inadequate he felt most of the time.
One of Bill’s favorite lines was “Having kids changes your world, having girls changes the universe.”
I remember asking him – “Seriously, Bill. How hard can it be? Look at you and then look at how awesome your daughters turned out. If you can pull that off – I like my chances.”
He’d smirk at me, shake his head and mumble…”You’re only saving grace is Amy” and keep fishing.
I’ve got my own two gorgeous daughters now and I know exactly what he was saying. Bill was gracious enough to let me live in my stupidity at the time. And I often wish for those Friday morning fishing trips now if only to give Bill an opportunity to see how right he was about so many things.
Raising girls is another universe. I had someone brag on my girls to me the other day saying they appreciate their outgoing, self-sufficient personalities and how helpful they are. Most of that is due to their mother and the awesome job she does with modeling what a woman of God looks like.
But some of that is also because of Bill Watkins and his effect on me.
To raise girls who know who they are in Christ. That their value is in the depth of their character, not the width of their waist. That they are complete and whole in Christ alone, no need for a boyfriend or a man. I want them to know that they are gifted and called by God to serve with Him and for Him, that their gender is not a hindrance in their walk with Christ. That they are not princesses that need to be rescued or damsels in distress but rather arrows in the hand of a skilled warrior. If they yield to His skill and aim, they will make an impact far beyond what they imagine.
That the big deals start with little deals, being kind is better than being right, being honest is better than being liked, and being funny is better than being a diva. And one day, when they are 34 and there is room for another man in their life, I want them to make sure he is more in love with Jesus than he is with them.
And if he ever touches them, I don’t mind going back to jail.
Amy is At Super Summer
Apparently, the church is concerned about the English family because we have someone delivering dinner tonight, Wednesday night, and Thursday night.
What a church. What friends.
Yesterday, another family kidnapped my kids and let them invade their pool with their family. My kids didn’t want to come home.
Meantime — I’m getting much need time to study, dig out of emails and mail.
And pray for our high schoolers who are at Super Summer this week.
Birthday Thoughts
I’m 40 and I really don’t feel 40. Reminds me of that saying from the great philosopher Eddie Van Halen – “I don’t feel tardy.”
However, I am struck by many things on this occasion.
Chick-fil-a’s new spicy chicken sandwich is awesome. The fact that they did this on my birthday is humbling and I’m very appreciative. It’s not everyday the most awesomest fast food chain in America makes a new sandwich in your honor.
I have so many dear friends in my life. Yes, they give me quite a bit of grief but they love me. That is a gift of God. I could not keep up with the thank yous in email, facebook, twitter, and carrier pigeons. I had birthday greetings from California, Washington, Brazil, Budapest, Germany, Denver, Little Rock, Alabama and all places in between.
I’m now getting introduced to kids as “This was my youth pastor!” I secretly think this is one of the greatest honors ever.
My wife is so freakin’ awesome. She made me breakfast in bed. That’s not why she is awesome but it helps. Seriously, we’re closer now than ever. I’m so humbled she’s stuck with me through my immaturity to now — when I’m less immature.
I have 3 sets of parents that are awesome.
Life is just awesome.
Thank you all for a great birthday. You can come take the black balloons and graffiti out of my yard now.
The Irony Of A Lost MacBook
Our local mall has started putting up these wonderful signs that instills faith in the human race – “Please do not leave valuables – laptops, purses, phones – in your car. We are not responsible if they get nicked.”
Okay, it doesn’t use the word nicked but it should because that sounds cooler than stolen. And the signs are everywhere. Can’t miss them.
I pull up to the mall to redeem my free handful of awesomeness otherwise known as a Chick-fil-a sandwich, grab my laptop shove it in the backseat when I remember the signs (MJ song) and decide to take it with me. It’s a MacBook, not just a regular laptop so the odds of an envy-induced theft are high.
I get another survey for another free sandwich (I don’t know how I do it) with my order. Go sit down on one of the few comfortable benches in the mall and enjoy the most awesome sandwich ever made. Finish, throw away trash, and poke head in sporting good store to see what is ridiculously overpriced today. I walk for a full five minutes when I see another one of those wonderful signs.
That’s why I carry my laptop! I mean, what idiot would leave their laptop in the car??
Maybe the same kind of idiot that would leave it in the mall besides a bench.
I instantly become one of those people we pity when we see in public. I’m running, praying out loud, calling Amy to tell her to pray and looking at every person for my case. I didn’t think my heart could get any sicker until I made it back and saw that my laptop was gone.
I go back to the store across the hall. The only thing more ridiculous looking than a grown man running through the mall praying out loud on the cell phone with his wife is a grown man in tears asking a store clerk if anyone has turned in a laptop. You know, like it’s a hairbrush or set of keys or a jacket.
I appreciate the restraint of the clerk for not saying “Dude – haven’t you read all these signs?”
They point me to the mall security office. I walk in and explain my situation – the nice lady says “Grant? Grant English?” Um….yes. “We used to go to Western Hills. Let me make a phone call for you.”
What I don’t know – did they used to go and left before I got there or am I reason they left? In my panicked state, I don’t ask but do wonder. I don’t really have time to explore this conversation.
“I’ll send him downstairs.” She turns to me – “They have it downstairs in customer service.”
“Praise God. He does take care of fools.” She smiles. I’m probably the reason they did leave.
I get downstairs and the lady is holding my laptop for me, smiling. “Bet you feel better, huh?”
“There are no words.”
And now my heart rate is back to normal and I’m thankful for decent people who are still in the world and happen to shop at the West Ridge Mall.
Why Channel 13 Were Idiots
I posted/tweeted those words on Monday night during the NCAA Championship game.
Here’s why. They broke in the best NCAA basketball game in years to tell us about rain and a tornado 150 miles away….for an HOUR!!!!!
Look – I get it. Tornado coming, pop on tell the community tornado is coming, then pop off. Don’t stand in front of a green screen with circa 1980 graphics telling in all the cool cloud formations and what they mean for the next 55 minutes. We don’t care. If we are in the tornado’s path – we’re not listening anyway, we’re hiding in the basement.
So either way – it makes no sense to crash into programming for an hour. None. Throw up the picture in picture screen, do the annoying non-HD scroll announcement on the bottom since your station is too cheap to have HD – even though this is a capital city. Do anything except what you did.
And don’t stand on the TV and justify WHY you are not going back to the game and giving me score updates. All that does it make me angrier. Because it means YOU are watching the game while I have to watch YOU.
This is why Google is not coming to Topeka.
There — I feel better.
Where Is The 2nd Guy?
My good friend Rex and I (and our families) were sitting around lunch Saturday and we were invaded by a bunch of old guys wearing fezes…or is it fezzes? The upside down popcorn bucket hats with tassels on them – those hats. Shriners. Appears that the circus is in town – literally – and they always seem to help kids.
But it did bring up a crucial question in the history of humanity. Where’s the 2nd guy? Meaning, it is completely understandable for one individual to do or wear or say something utterly ridiculous. It is on the 2nd guy to correct that behavior so that it does not turn into a social phenomenon. The Macarana immediately comes to mind.
It’s the 2nd guy who could have stopped the insanity by saying — “There’s no way you’re wearing that bucket on your head” but obviously he didn’t. He lied and therein gave credibility to something utterly ridiculous.
So this is the partial list we came up with…add others as they hit you.
Fez hats with tassels
Rocky Mountain Oysters
Double Luge
Running with Bulls
Bungee Jumping – we had some disagreement here. I mean, if the first guy didn’t die — it’s legit.
Fire Walking
Ear Gauging
Milking a Cow – think about it…
Mullets
Exercising in spandex
Hardest NFL Team To Be A Fan Of, Divisional Weekend
So the first post really didn’t have the comments I was hoping for – which is okay because that just means I’ll make the decision. Since I’m always right about things concerning the NFL, this is better anyway.
NFC.
Wildcard Weekend:
Panthers vs. Rams
Rams win this contest going away. Rams just suck and there really isn’t much hope on the horizon because as good as Suh is, he can’t block, run, throw, kick, and cover DB’s.
Seahawks vs. Bucs
This game went to OT. The Seahawks got a late game push to lose (win) this game by the hiring of Pete “What NCAA violations?” Carroll. How close was this game? The home city weather pattern and uniforms were the deciding factor – giving the Seahawks the win…which is really a loss. Confused yet? It’s harder to be a fan of the Seahawks than the Bucs and the Seahawks unis are just atrocious.
That sets us up for the Division weekend and the matchups look like this:
Divisional Weekend:
Redskins vs. Rams – another game in which Rams are heavily favored to win…which is really a loss.
Lions vs. Seahawks – Winner (which really is a loser) of this game might just be the favorite to represent the NFC in the Loser Bowl. Oh wait…I forgot about the Rams. Never mind. Slight edge to Lions but it will be another close one.
AFC
The cream of the crop – which is really the bottom of the barrel – is in the AFC.
Wildcard Weekend:
Chiefs vs. Jaguars
Chiefs win (really lose) this one easily. The Jags put a couple of players in the Pro Bowl, they have hope, and they have talent. The Chefs – (misspelled on purpose) not so much in the talent department. But their coaching got better…which is not really going to help either but that’s another story.
Broncos vs. Browns
As it normally is when these two teams meet, it was a back and forth affair. Holmgren and Cribbs made the difference. Or better said, McDaniels the Hun couldn’t work it out with his incredibly gifted and stud DC Mike Nolan who lifted that D from 31 to top 15 in one season with the same players!!! What the HECKKKKKK is going on — sorry, my journalistic integrity was interrupted for a second. Denver won (lost). Looking to compete with Raiders at this point.
Divisional Weekend:
Bills vs. Broncos
Another close game. Mike Geer will have plenty to say about this matchup. Will look to him for advice and insight as he is a Bills fan, I’m a Broncos fan. Hard sharp metal objects from us this week.
Raiders vs. Chiefs
Is there really any doubt who is going to win (which is really lose) this game?
Okay, both of you – let me hear your thoughts.
Camber Is Freakin Hilarious
Camber has been having ongoing conversations with her friends about church. Today she came home with this gem.
Camber: Do you think I’d understand your preacher if I went to your church?
Camber’s Friend: Maybe. I don’t know. Wait, what’s the “Preacher?”
Camber: The guy that stands up and teaches you the Bible.
Camber’s Friend: Oh. We call him “Father.”
Camber: I call our preacher Father too…because he is my father.
That’s funny. We just exploded in laughter when Camber told us this.
That Just Happened
She ran into the church, poked her head in my office and said — “Would you let a Catholic use your restroom?”
I laughed. “Absolutely. And we won’t even charge you for it!” Nothing like a little Protestant/Catholic humor to end the day.
On her way out, she poked her head back in my office and said — “Thank you. What would it take to convert you?”
I laughed again — “Probably not going to happen. It’s worse than you think. I’m the pastor here.”
Cue Twilight Zone music.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I was about to say yes but never got the chance. She just went right on talking.
“What makes you think you have authority to teach what God thinks on any given subject?”
I did a double take and cleared my throat — “Well, that’s an interest-”
She continued – “I’m part of the only true church – the Catholic church – and we have years of oral tradition informing us what God thinks on every subject – homosexuality, contraception, marriage, sanctity of life – and you teach none of that. I mean, you guys even believe in Purgatory. Do you know that the Jews believe in Purgatory? You don’t have the truth so how can you teach the truth? How do you know that what you teach is okay with God?”
This went on for 10 minutes. 10 minutes. I think she breathed. I couldn’t get a word in if I wanted. I did make a mental note to get one of those apps for my iPhone that makes a fake call. It could have gotten me out of this situation. Maybe.
She kept talking … “I mean we have the Pope and you have what? Who is your authority?”
I tried to answer — “Between the Scriptures and the Spirit-”
“See, I knew it. The Holy Ghost, right? That’s just fancy speak for your conscience. Your convictions are really temptations. Your insights are really lies.”
Her son walked in the room, turned around and walked right back out. Her sister/friend walked in saw her talking. She walked out.
Thanks for the help.
Friend/sister walks back in with cell phone. It’s a ruse to get her out of the office. I can tell. The friend looks at me with desperation. Like she’s trying to tell me “I’m trying…you think of something as well.”
Her cell phone rings. Thank you, Jesus…or her son in the other room…not sure at this point.
I stood up and walked out of my office to the lobby in hopes she would follow while she was on the phone. Hope unfounded. She stays put.
Her son was in the lobby looking humiliated. “I’m so sorry” he whispered. I asked – “Is this common?”
He was about to answer when she walked up. He walked away.
“He’s my son, 5 of 15 kids.”
I resisted the urge to comment. Bill Simmons, a writer for ESPN, has a 12% Theory. For every kid that is birthed, a mother loses 12% of her sanity until those kids are able to function independently. He says the birthing, weight gain, nursing, not sleeping, anxiety cycle of a new mom is something a man will never understand and that is why only the mom goes through the 12% rule. I’ll let you do the math here.
She kept going — “I mean you guys don’t even have the right Bible and you still haven’t answered me what makes you think you can teach what God thinks?”
I didn’t say anything. She was finally quiet. She entered my office at 4:24. It was now 4:38.
I smiled. “Well…have a nice day.”
She pushed “So are you going to answer the question or not because no pastor anywhere has ever answered my questions.”
“Did you ever give them an opportunity to answer?”
She stepped back.
I continued. “Ma’am, you’re questions aren’t that hard. It’s just that you’ve been here for 12 minutes and you haven’t given me one chance to answer any question you’ve asked. You don’t know what we teach here, you don’t know what I believe. You’ve attacked me from the very outset without giving pause for rebuttal or discussion. I don’t think you WANT to hear the answers…which is fine, just say that.”
She started the sermon again — “You don’t believe the right things, you don’t teach the right things. You don’t have the right Bible.”
I finally interrupted her – “Ma’am. Please, you’ve covered all of this. I heard you. You’ve yet to listen to me. I don’t think you are in any position to tell me what I believe. It’s not fair of you to say that. IF you want to converse, let’s converse. If you want to argue, I respect your tradition to much to do that with you.”
She finally paused and said “I’ll listen to your answer.”
“Our Bible is composed of the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament. Since Judaism is the root of our faith, we accepted the same canon as the Jewish Church. They deemed these 39 books as canonical. Our current scriptures – all 66 books – are the exact Bible the Catholic Church used BEFORE the reformation. The Apocryphal books were added to the Catholic Bible in 1545. That’s when the Catholic Church officially added the Apocrypha at the Council of Trent.
Interesting facts about these apocryphal books – none of the books added were written in Hebrew, none of those books were accepted as canonical by Judaism. Jesus never referred to them as authoritative as He did the Torah, the Nevi’im, and the Ketuvim – The Law, the Prophets, and the Writings.”
She gasped. “We have hundreds of years of oral tradition that prove they are canonical. Paul himself said they were and he said that oral tradition was important.”
“Really? I’ve spent most of my adult life studying Paul. Where did he say that? That’s news to me.”
“I don’t know where…but it’s true and you still haven’t answered the most important question of why you think you have authority to teach the Scriptures.”
“I wonder if you would accept that same reason from me – ‘I don’t know but it is true.’”
She shook her head.
“I didn’t think so but I’m compelled to accept it from you, right? Listen, I’m glad our bathrooms met your needs today. Hope your day goes well.”
“You’re not going to answer me, are you?”
“What is the point? I know I have authority to teach God’s word because I can read Greek and Hebrew, I can read the Bible in the language it was written. I read it in community with other believers and their writings. I’m called and gifted by the Spirit of God to do these things as He teaches in 1 Corinthians 12. It’s not rocket science. It’s a love letter from God to His kids. He wants us to understand it. It’s not in code.”
She was about to start up again when her son came in the room and pleaded her to leave. She looked over at him and as she was leaving said “You still didn’t answer the question.”
I just stood there. That just happened. Right there. Shake and Bake, baby.
The son came back in. “I’m so sorry.”
“No worries, bro…..You doing okay?”
He paused. “I think so.”
“If you ever need to talk…you obviously know where I’ll be.”
We both laughed.