That Just Happened

She ran into the church, poked her head in my office and said — “Would you let a Catholic use your restroom?”

I laughed. “Absolutely. And we won’t even charge you for it!” Nothing like a little Protestant/Catholic humor to end the day.

On her way out, she poked her head back in my office and said — “Thank you. What would it take to convert you?”

I laughed again — “Probably not going to happen. It’s worse than you think. I’m the pastor here.”

Cue Twilight Zone music.

“Can I ask you a question?”

I was about to say yes but never got the chance. She just went right on talking.

“What makes you think you have authority to teach what God thinks on any given subject?”

I did a double take and cleared my throat — “Well, that’s an interest-”

She continued – “I’m part of the only true church – the Catholic church – and we have years of oral tradition informing us what God thinks on every subject – homosexuality, contraception, marriage, sanctity of life – and you teach none of that. I mean, you guys even believe in Purgatory. Do you know that the Jews believe in Purgatory? You don’t have the truth so how can you teach the truth? How do you know that what you teach is okay with God?”

This went on for 10 minutes. 10 minutes. I think she breathed. I couldn’t get a word in if I wanted. I did make a mental note to get one of those apps for my iPhone that makes a fake call. It could have gotten me out of this situation. Maybe.

She kept talking … “I mean we have the Pope and you have what? Who is your authority?”

I tried to answer — “Between the Scriptures and the Spirit-”

“See, I knew it. The Holy Ghost, right? That’s just fancy speak for your conscience. Your convictions are really temptations. Your insights are really lies.”

Her son walked in the room, turned around and walked right back out. Her sister/friend walked in saw her talking. She walked out.

Thanks for the help.

Friend/sister walks back in with cell phone. It’s a ruse to get her out of the office. I can tell. The friend looks at me with desperation. Like she’s trying to tell me “I’m trying…you think of something as well.”

Her cell phone rings. Thank you, Jesus…or her son in the other room…not sure at this point.

I stood up and walked out of my office to the lobby in hopes she would follow while she was on the phone. Hope unfounded. She stays put.

Her son was in the lobby looking humiliated. “I’m so sorry” he whispered. I asked – “Is this common?”

He was about to answer when she walked up. He walked away.

“He’s my son, 5 of 15 kids.”

I resisted the urge to comment. Bill Simmons, a writer for ESPN, has a 12% Theory. For every kid that is birthed, a mother loses 12% of her sanity until those kids are able to function independently. He says the birthing, weight gain, nursing, not sleeping, anxiety cycle of a new mom is something a man will never understand and that is why only the mom goes through the 12% rule. I’ll let you do the math here.

She kept going — “I mean you guys don’t even have the right Bible and you still haven’t answered me what makes you think you can teach what God thinks?”

I didn’t say anything. She was finally quiet. She entered my office at 4:24. It was now 4:38.

I smiled. “Well…have a nice day.”

She pushed “So are you going to answer the question or not because no pastor anywhere has ever answered my questions.”

“Did you ever give them an opportunity to answer?”

She stepped back.

I continued. “Ma’am, you’re questions aren’t that hard. It’s just that you’ve been here for 12 minutes and you haven’t given me one chance to answer any question you’ve asked. You don’t know what we teach here, you don’t know what I believe. You’ve attacked me from the very outset without giving pause for rebuttal or discussion. I don’t think you WANT to hear the answers…which is fine, just say that.”

She started the sermon again — “You don’t believe the right things, you don’t teach the right things. You don’t have the right Bible.”

I finally interrupted her – “Ma’am. Please, you’ve covered all of this. I heard you. You’ve yet to listen to me. I don’t think you are in any position to tell me what I believe. It’s not fair of you to say that. IF you want to converse, let’s converse. If you want to argue, I respect your tradition to much to do that with you.”

She finally paused and said “I’ll listen to your answer.”

“Our Bible is composed of the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament. Since Judaism is the root of our faith, we accepted the same canon as the Jewish Church. They deemed these 39 books as canonical. Our current scriptures – all 66 books – are the exact Bible the Catholic Church used BEFORE the reformation. The Apocryphal books were added to the Catholic Bible in 1545. That’s when the Catholic Church officially added the Apocrypha at the Council of Trent.

Interesting facts about these apocryphal books – none of the books added were written in Hebrew, none of those books were accepted as canonical by Judaism. Jesus never referred to them as authoritative as He did the Torah, the Nevi’im, and the Ketuvim – The Law, the Prophets, and the Writings.”

She gasped. “We have hundreds of years of oral tradition that prove they are canonical. Paul himself said they were and he said that oral tradition was important.”

“Really? I’ve spent most of my adult life studying Paul. Where did he say that? That’s news to me.”

“I don’t know where…but it’s true and you still haven’t answered the most important question of why you think you have authority to teach the Scriptures.”

“I wonder if you would accept that same reason from me – ‘I don’t know but it is true.’”

She shook her head.

“I didn’t think so but I’m compelled to accept it from you, right? Listen, I’m glad our bathrooms met your needs today. Hope your day goes well.”

“You’re not going to answer me, are you?”

“What is the point? I know I have authority to teach God’s word because I can read Greek and Hebrew, I can read the Bible in the language it was written. I read it in community with other believers and their writings. I’m called and gifted by the Spirit of God to do these things as He teaches in 1 Corinthians 12. It’s not rocket science. It’s a love letter from God to His kids. He wants us to understand it. It’s not in code.”

She was about to start up again when her son came in the room and pleaded her to leave. She looked over at him and as she was leaving said “You still didn’t answer the question.”

I just stood there. That just happened. Right there. Shake and Bake, baby.

The son came back in. “I’m so sorry.”

“No worries, bro…..You doing okay?”

He paused. “I think so.”

“If you ever need to talk…you obviously know where I’ll be.”

We both laughed.