the G sides

I’ve been neglectful in my postings of the season.

Okay - the bad news - we’ve yet to win a game.

Good news: We’re scoring touchdowns, throwing deep passes, getting safeties with double blitzes, running a hurry-up offense.

Bad news: It appears that it is next to impossible for a 9 year old to go to the bathroom BEFORE the game starts. ??????? Think you’re going to use those timeouts for strategy and clock stoppage? Think again. You are going to use them so that you can substitute one of your players that has to pee. It’s pretty comical until the guy that subs in doesn’t really get what he’s supposed to do and that’s the one play that goes for a touchdown.

The kids are laughing, having a good time. I’ve heard a couple of our ‘rules’ repeated by parents - “Stay positive. Always.” “Do your best then get back to the huddle.” “Pay attention to details and good things are going to happen.”

So it’s paying off in terms of life lessons and the kids learning some skills and loving the game.

They’ve learned how to lose graciously and learn from it. They’ve learned how to stay positive and keep working. They’re catching the ball now, moving the ball and scoring touchdowns. That’s all good.

I just want them to learn how to win as well. How to stay focused for the whole game and get a W.

One conversation with a parent kind of sums up my feelings on that.

She said “Johnny (not his real name) loves flag football this year. He won more games last year but hated it. This has been a great experience.”

“I appreciate that. I just want to get one win.”

“Winning isn’t everything.”

“Neither is losing. I’m not saying I want to dominate the league and go undefeated. I just want them to learn what it takes to win and handle that just as well as they’ve handled their losses.”

Playoffs are this weekend. We get one game to get it done. If we win, we move one. If we lose, we go eat pizza. Either way - it’ll be a good day.

This is part of our e-journey through the book of Acts. This week is from Acts 14.

That probably wouldn’t work as a bumper sticker but it’s true. I can’t get through Acts without that fact slapping me in the face. And it has been a slap.

Ever been to a place where a value that you thought was so biblical and uncompromising got turned upside down and stripped naked? Ever had a conviction that you KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt was of God - a die on the hill value - only for it to be exposed as hay and stubble?

That’s where I am at with Jesus in Acts. Growing up in the “Sure Bride of Christ” tradition, the congregation voted on everything. The theory went roughly like this - every one has a connection with God, there is priesthood of the believer therefore every person’s insight and opinion matters. If there isn’t unity, God isn’t in it. God wouldn’t bring division to the body.

Here is what the witness of scripture says to that - it’s a lie straight out of hell.

Not that honestly hurts me to type. You know why? Because I’ve said those stupid words and people actually believed me. Say those words in a meeting and you’ll get “Amened” and “That’s right” to death. But those words ignore scripture itself. I wish somebody had loved me enough to tell me that was just a pile of crap. At the very least, I wished they would have challenged me to re-read the book of Acts.

God doesn’t author confusion but He’s completely okay with chaos and destruction, disunity, if you will. Jesus will bring chaos and division to any situation that doesn’t have Him as the center.

A church can be unified in their idolatry. They were in Acts - thought Paul and Barnabas were gods. They were in Corinth - thought sexual sin was okay to ignore. They were unified in the churches in Revelation. They were unified in Jerusalem about not allowing Gentiles to follow Jesus. They were unified at Golgatha as well.

Could unity be our golden calf?

Jesus never demanded unity. He demanded to be center. His prayer was that the Father make us ONE in our love. It wasn’t for the sake of unity he said that…it was for the sake of Himself. For the sake of advancing the Kingdom.

I’ve been a part of decisions where there was unity and we were completely wrong. The journeys of Paul and Barnabas emphasize that one fact well - Jesus will bring division, heat, conflict. Because He doesn’t want any company in the center of our life.

We have 4 Confabs a year for our Life Group Leaders. “Confab” is short for “confabulation.” So as leaders we set aside 4 nights a year to eat and connect with each other for encouragement, sharpening, and to hear life-change stories from other Life Groups. Last Thursday night was our last one of the ministry year. (We’ll do another one to kick off in the fall.)

Here’s what we unpacked:

What was the highlight of the year for your Life Group?
Tell us a life-change story.
What was the biggest obstacle? Is the biggest obstacle?
What do you want God to do in your Group this next year?
What’s one thing you know now that you wish you knew 9 months ago?

If you happened to stumble in the room, here are some of the things you could have heard.

“We stole an idea from a blog and had each person bring a song that moved them to a place of worship, that rocked them on a deep emotional level. We then played it at Life Group over dinner and had each tell the story behind the song for them. Most memorable night of the year. Helped the new couples connect deeper with the older ones. Allowed those who hadn’t shared all year a venue to share deeply.”

“Finding an intern couple seems to be the biggest obstacle right now.”

I guess at some point this whole Car Classification will have it’s own category on my blog.

To catch you up…here’s the saga so far.

First there was the story on My New Ride and all the comments therein.
Next, we tried to get some handles on what exactly made a car manly, chick, or metro.
Then we talked about Cowballs.

As full disclosure, these are the cars I’ve owned and how I’d classify them. I’ve left out Amy’s cars…unless they were manly.

1985 Ford Tempo, 4 cylinder, light brown, 5-speed
My first car. Automatically that garners the NE classification. Somewhere my mom has a picture of this car covered in mud. I mean, buried in mud. I was a senior in high school and there was momentary insanity on my part as I tried to follow a Jeep through the mud. It got great gas mileage but this was the ’80s and to be honest - no one was thinking about gas mileage. It did have a kickin’ stereo in it.

CLASSIFICATION: Necessary Evil.

1988 Chevy Camaro, IROC V8, red, automatic
Technically, Amy owned this car. She had it while we were dating and when we first got married. So I’m going to claim it. (I mean, seriously…what were we going to go out in - My Ford Tempo or her IROC…) You had to crawl into the front seat, it sat down that low. That thing could freakin’ fly. When you stepped on the gas, it would hunker down and growl at you. Amy got a few speeding tickets in this thing.

CLASSIFICATION: MANLY

1990 Chevy Silverado, V8, gold, 5-speed
Loved this truck. Ironically enough - one of my dads helped me buy it. A few years later, I sold it to my other dad. Keepin’ it in the family. (Dad still drives it.) Couple of cool stories with this truck. First, driving back to Texas after I got it, I blew out two tires in Clinton, Mississippi. Put it in the ditch in Kansas.

CLASSIFICATION: MANLY

1998 Toyota Tundra, V8, green, automatic

We will now observe a moment of silence.

By far my favorite vehicle of all time. It was loaded to the gills - off-road package suspension, tires, and skid plates. It did awesome in the snow, mud, dirt - whatever. Didn’t handle underwater very well. I had to go through a few months of therapy after totaling this one.

CLASSIFICATION: MANLY

2002 Toyota Sequoia, silver
The Sequoia is built on the Tundra frame to compete with the Suburban. Best driving vehicle we’ve ever owned - very smooth, comfortable. In the winter - it’s a SUV hauling skis and people to the mountains. In the other seasons - it’s a mini-van on steroids. With 3 growing kids, we’ve got a vehicle that we can all of us plus grandparents around. Manly Accessories: Step bar, full size spare, trailer hitch, ski racks, Denver Bronco magnet.

CLASSIFICATION: NE/MANLY

2004 Hyundai Sonata, V6, white
The one that was totaled. We bought it for the gas mileage. Plain and simple.

CLASSIFICATION: NE

2002 Nissan Xterra, V6, 4WD, solar yellow
Manly Accessories: step bar, 4wd, skid plates, ski rack, roof rack bin, full size spare (noticeable), off-road tires.
Metro Qualities: color, no trailer hitch (this will be fixed shortly.)

CLASSIFICATION: MANLY

My knowledge of Chuck Yeager went something like this - the guy that sold AC Delco batteries, then I learned he first broke the sound barrier. I watched the movie “The Right Stuff” to learn how influential he was in the testing of rocket engines.

Stuff I’ve learned since then? He was a World War II fighter pilot who was shot down, escaped, then got right back in the air. He led squadrons in Europe during the cold war ready to nuke Russia if it ever got to that. He led a squadron in Vietnam. He was the best test pilot the Air Force ever had, flying over 100 experimental aircraft. The minute the U.S. got their hands on a MiG jet, they flew Yeager out to a hidden location in the Pacific to test out the capabilities of the plane. He established and ran the school that provided over half the astronaunts to NASA.

All in all - the man was a stud. His story is absolutely incredible as he followed one creed - Love what you do, do what you love. When what you’re doing isn’t fun anymore or gets you amped, go do something else.

The book is good for is giving an intimate look at the Air Force during the Golden Age of Flight - moving from props to jets to rockets. Yeager was in the middle of the transition. He talks about the hardship of being in the military and the risks they took. Lots of great stories and escapades.

The big takeaway for me - nothing worth having is safe. Yeager took the risks he took because he loved flying. He loved it. He didn’t take stupid, unnecessary risks but he didn’t just look for the safest route in the world either. If you are going to be the best in what you do, you will have to take some risks. Unavoidable.

Good read.

In the ongoing saga to clear up the classification of cars, we come to the issue of cowballs.

As noted earlier, these are commonly found on the rear hitch of a monster truck - almost always an American made truck. I’ve actually seen a set on a mini-van. It was amusing and depressing.

Camber: “Daddy…what are those?”

She’s pointing to the truck in front of us which just so happens to live on the same street as we do. Lucky us. We get to see it every single day. The children of that household also go to the same school as our kids, ride the same bus and are in the same grade as our kids. Add these facts to the reality that Camber repeats every single thing she hears and you can see the volatile, sensitive situation we have here.

G: “What are what, baby?” (It always helps to delay the inevitable. Buys you some think time.)

C: “Those things hanging from the back of that truck.”

G: “Those are testicles.” (I’ve answered the question. I’ve used the correct terminology. She still doesn’t know what they are. The ultimate parent answer.)

Long pause. I’ve only got to get to the driveway then I can hand her off to Amy. Another great skill to learn in parenting.

C: “What are testicles?”

G: “What, honey? Let me turn down the radio so I can hear.” (See above.)

C; “What are testicles?”

G: “Frozen tests….that hang from a truck….like icicles are frozen ice hanging from a roof.”

Okay, I really didn’t say that. So I told her what they were - a bull’s private parts.

She pretty much grossed out. “Are they real?????? Why do they put those on trucks?”

I told her as far as I knew - they weren’t real but we shouldn’t take any chances. So don’t touch them. Ever.

As to why certain people put them on their cars, another great question that will probably never be answered. There is a whole world of questions like this - particularly when it comes the car industry. Questions that just can’t be answered intelligently or with any sense of confidence.

Why is rust or primer a legitimate car color in Arkansas?
Who originally put a kid’s cartoon character with guns on mudflaps?
How does silhouette pornography help keep mud off of trucks anyway?
Tennis balls on CB antennas?

The easiest explanation to many of these is that somebody at some point in history lied to another individual and told them that it looked cool or was a good idea. Apparently the first friend didn’t want to hurt the other friend’s feeling or intelligence. This of course stands as even more reason why we shouldn’t lie to people. It’s probably the reason bell bottoms are trying to make a comeback today and why spandex is still considered by some a legitimate fabric to have clothing made of.

These are just some of the reasons we shouldn’t lie to people.

This is part of our journey through Acts. Today is from Acts 13.

The highlights:
Barnabas and Saul are confirmed as missionaries.
John Mark decides to go with them.
Saul changes his name to Paul.
John Mark goes home in the middle of the trip. (We’ll come back to this later.)
Paul starts debating Jesus in the synagogues.
Jewish people get mad.
Paul takes the Gospel to the Gentiles.
Jewish people get madder.
Paul and Barnabas move on the next town.

If it hasn’t been clear thus far, this chapter makes it crystal - Saul/Paul is one fierce intellectual. Calls one guy the work of the devil and blinds him. Argues the Jewish scholars into the ground. Travels all over the world. Can relate to almost any culture he finds himself in. Fierce in debate and dialog. No obstacle is too big or insurmountable. He’s not going to accept “no” and he’s not going to take the easy route to anythinig. Apparently John Mark got sick of it and wanted home.

He’s relentless.

Paul would have never made it on most church staffs. Way too abrasive and opinionated.

Barnabas is the nice guy. He’s the relational one. He befriends Saul. He befriends John Mark. We see him constantly being the one to bridge gaps. Barnabas is the velvet. Paul is the hammer.

Here’s the awesome thing - God uses both of them. That’s a huge stumbling block to some of you.

I’ve talked to a lot of students who didn’t think they could do ministry because they didn’t have the “right” personality. They were too loud, opinionated, edgy - whatever. Some students thought they had to be Mr. or Mrs. Charisma to be in student ministry and play guitar. I now have a standard response to such presuppositions.

From what level of hell did that come from?

Seriously. God has some moral markers for us. Things that should and will be apparent in our life if He’s working in us but He doesn’t have a personality profile. Look at all the different kinds of personalities He uses in Acts. It’s not just ridiculous, it should give us great hope and humble us when we think we’ve figured out who exactly the Spirit can use.

And here’s the other observation - God doesn’t just use pastors/missionaries. Paulos stays in political leadership after he follows Jesus. Marketplace converts will stay in their field. Why? Because it takes all kinds.

Had a student once who was struggling whether or not he should go in ministry. He love Jesus but he also loved law.

“Try this on for size - You love Jesus AND you love law therefore…”

“I’m going to be a lawyer for Jesus!”

“No - that’s impossible. They make you revoke your salvation at law school.”

Seriously, how about “with” Jesus? Do law with Jesus. Do ministry WITH Jesus. Do whatever you do WITH Him.

Marko gets the props to this find - a blog that has taken Garfield out of the Garfield strips.

This is the description from the website:

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.

A couple of samples for you…

The Bears meltdown last year could be linked to one thing and one thing only - the quarterback position. They went from being a couple plays out of the Super Bowl to the bottom of the NFC North. How? They couldn’t hold on to the ball, couldn’t move the ball, couldn’t put points on the board (until they played Denver) and it was all because they didn’t have a leader on offense.

Some will point to the defense but you can’t hang your defense out to dry for 40 minutes a game and expect them to win that battle. Rex Grossman, Brian Griese - none of them worked. Everyone knew it. Had to be addressed.

What did they do in the draft?

Round 1 (14): Chris Williams, T, Vanderbilt
Round 2 (44): Matt Forte, RB, Tulane
Round 3 (70): Earl Bennett, WR, Vanderbilt
Round 3 (90): Marcus Harrison, DT, Arkansas
Round 4 (120): Craig Steltz, S, LSU
Round 5 (142): Zackary Bowman, CB, Nebraska
Round 5 (158): Kellen Davis, TE, Michigan State
Round 7 (208): Ervin Baldwin, DE, Michigan State
Round 7 (222): Chester Adams, G, Georgia
Round 7 (243): Joey LaRocque, LB, Oregon State
Round 7 (247): Kirk Barton, T, Ohio State
Round 7 (248): Marcus Monk, WR, Arkansas

Didn’t see a QB in there either did you? Didn’t see them try to move up in the draft to get one or trade for one. It’s not that they had a BAD draft. It’s a good draft with some real nuggets in there. It’s just they didn’t do anything to address the biggest elephant in the room - the quarterback.

Organizations do this all the time. Instead of tackling the biggest elephant in the room, they’ll come up with a thousand other stop-gap ideas. The ideas in and of themselves may be good but they don’t touch the biggest problem and by not tackling the elephant, they hamstring themselves for long term improvement. Any improvement will be negated by the elephant.

Why not tackle the elephant? Mainly because it’s an elephant - big, noisy, and unpredictable. Takes too much time, too much energy and risk to do it. Maybe a lack of skill is a reason. But there he sits and he sits anywhere he wants because he’s an elephant.

If you’ve tried the ‘ignoring the elephant’ approach, you already know how that ends. It doesn’t. It’s like getting eaten to death by a duck. It just goes on and on, a painful, slow fade to black. It’s misery is only doubled when after a year or two or longer, you’re right back in the same situation you were earlier except now you’re older.

It’s also miserable tackling the elephant. Egos, personalities collide with tradition vs. risk and besides that - it’s gut-wrenching on friendships and job-security. The difference is - it’s only in dealing with the elephant will it ever go away or get fixed.

We have a 5-week observation period for any volunteer who wants to work with students. After that 5-week time frame (and if there is a green light from both sides) that volunteer will spend 6 months to a year ‘interning’ with one of our veterans. This process has rescued us from many elephants.

Of course, I haven’t always had the 5-week observation or the intern process. Had to learn the value of those the hard way and eat a couple of elephants along the way.

My hunch is the Bears aren’t going to be all that much this year than they were last. Next off-season they’ll once again have the elephant in the room. We’ll see if it gets tackled this time.

There’s manly vehicles.

There’s ‘chick’ vehicles.

Then - according to Wayne (I’d link him but he hasn’t blogged in 14 years) - there’s ‘metro-sexual’ vehicles. It’s fair to ask what exactly makes Wayne an expert in such issues. I’ll allow him to answer that in the comments section below. (This should be fascinating.)

I think there probably ought to be a 4th category - kinda the ‘necessary evil’ category. Stuff like Honda Civics, Hyundai Sonatas, and other gas-conserving vehicles that aren’t completely ridiculous could go in this category. (No, the Yaris doesn’t go here. It’s completely ridiculous.)

Before we start categorizing, some general principles that we all can agree upon.

1. A mini-van will never, ever in any way ever be classified as a MANLY car. Ever.
It could be classified as either a CHICK or a NECESSARY EVIL (NE) depending on number of kids in family. If you have 2 or less children and you have a mini-van, you are on the bubble. Technically, you don’t NEED an mini-van. If you have no children, it’s a definite CHICK classification.

2. Any car that could fit in the back of a full-size pickup, will never, ever in any way be classified as a MANLY car. Ever.
There is one notable exception - the Mini-Cooper. I have yet to meet a guy who doesn’t like the Cooper. It’s a sweet ride. Got a cool name as well. The Yaris, Yugo, Geo, Smart Cars and the like will always be classified as CHICK cars.

3. Any car that comes with a flower vase is a CHICK vehicle. See VW Bug.

4. If it says “Jeep”, we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
The Jeep Liberty raised some questions about the manliness of the Jeep. It’s a terrible drive, horrible off the road and marketed towards women. However, it’s still a Jeep. Every man born has wanted to own a Jeep at some point in his life. It’s instinct.

Questions We Need To Answer

Does the vehicle’s color have anything to do with classification?

This of course is part of the argument against classifying my current Xterra as a MANLY vehicle - it’s yellow. But so are some fire trucks and those are definitely MAN cars. So color alone can’t sink a car into the CHICK category.

Pink is the exception. Pink is NOT the new black when it comes to cars. You better be selling Mary Kay if you have a pink vehicle. That’s all I got to say about that.

Other colors that are ONLY CHICK:
Sea Foam Green - again see VW Bug.
Light Sky Blue

Does the personality or profession of the owner have anything to do with classification?

Yes, it can.

If you are an Electrical Engineer and enjoy reading power grids, you’re not going to pull off a yellow vehicle. Nor are you going to pull of a ‘fun’ vehicle. Stick with boring box cars or standard SUVs. Chances are you’re not going to pull off any color other than white or black or maybe silver. You know, the basic, boring colors of the vehicle palate.

If you are basically as cool as Chuck Norris (not cooler than Chuck as that is impossible…and it should be noted that most youth ministers fall in this category) then a color like…oh, I don’t know…say …. YELLOW actually works for you. It’s loud. It’s bright and positive. It screams that you are fun and not boring…the antithesis to engineer type of people.

This can also work in terms of types of cars. If you are a youth pastor and drive a mini-van, you could always fall back on the NE classification due to the number of students you drive around.

Does the usage of the car effect the classification?

Abso-freakin-lutely.

Let’s look at the Suburban.

Suburban driven by a soccer mom that never sees 4wd - CHICK.

Suburban that is full of ski gear, mountain climbing gear, and parachutes - MANLY.

Pink Mary Kay Suburban - CHICK.

Pink Mary Kay Suburban driven by husband going to store to get milk - candidate for divorce. (I actually saw this once at a Walgreens. I just kept staring at him. I had no idea what to say to him in order to console him. I do know that there would have been a throw stuff around the house kind of argument if it had been me. And I would have taken my bike or walked.)

Can accessories help classify a vehicle?

It can make the difference in the final vote. In some cases, like the Yaris, it won’t matter what you put on it. It is what it is and the best thing you can do is just man-up and deal with it. A mini-van will allows be a Chick car. Any man that argues differently is just delusional and deserves both our pity and insults. However, in Wayne’s ‘metro-sexual’ category, accessorization could make the difference.

Ski racks - manly.

Front grill protector - manly.

Antenna smiley face - chick.

“My kid is an honor student” bumper sticker - chick and candidate for running off the road.

Christian Fish Symbol - undecided at this point. Did your car make that decision or are you forcing Jesus up its tailpipe?

Trailer hitch - manly.

If you can see the spare tire - manly.

If spare tire is full-size - manly.

Donut spare - chick.

If you can see the spare tire AND it’s a donut - well, we may need a 5th category.

Width of tires - generally speaking, the wider, the more manly.

Ball cracking the window stickers - chick.

I’m sure you’ll have more so list away in the comments section.

Later next week - my history of cars and their classifications.